Testify Your Testimony


When I was in 5th grade I started having trouble during tests. Just little things like feeling shaky or nervous over little things and I didnt understand why I couldn't focus and do things like the other students. I took longer, and I couldn't let things go. One day I asked if I could go to the quiet room set aside for those with mental illnesses and they said I had to be diagnosed with something to be allowed to. A little later, I went to the doctor and they said that I had anxiety and OCD. I didnt really know what that meant for me but I didnt like having a form of illness. After that I kind of glued to my mom and she would help me get through things. I thought that it was terrible to go through because I couldn't do my homework quick or easily and I always took longer than everyone else. I wish I had known that that was the easy part. As I went through school, I grew used to taking longer and feeling wierd during tests. However, I was not prepared for what was to come. Not longer after that, we heard word that my grandma had died due to her breast cancer. I hadn't dealt with much of any death before and I was a little numb because I didnt how I should feel. In a way her death was a blessing because she was no longer in pain but we all still missed her. After getting through the numb sadness, I was told that my daddy had cancer. For me, I thought that cancer meant death no matter what because grandma was strong and she still died. I was kind of preparing myself to say goodbye again. I grew to love control. I couldn't control my anxiety so I tried to control everything else. Knowing that I couldn't help my dad was a pain that I couldn't ignore. I had to do something, so i prayed. I knew God has the power to take the cancer away but I was afraid that He would choose not to because it was best in the long run or something. I felt terrible because I prayed that God would heal him but that if it was best for him to die so that he didnt have any more pain, I would rather him not suffer. As a kid especially I felt like either way I prayed, I was asking for something wrong. If healing might come in death, should I pray for that? As we went through that battle, I grew closer to God as I learned to depend on His control instead of mine. After my dad was told that he was cancer free, I thought that it meant everything would go back to normal, but once again, I was wrong. I soon started to feel sad more often and I couldn't get over a depressed mind set. As that started happening, I came out of basketball practice to the terrible news that my grandpa had a heart attack and died. None of us saw that coming and were in a shocked state of mind. At least, that is how it was for me. I didn't understand why this was all happening so close together, within a fifteen month period, and why we couldn't just have a break. A little after that, I went to a therapist to talk things over. I took a test and found out that I also had depression. This was unlike any of the anxiety I had felt and I dint know how to deal with that too when it was even harder than anxiety to control. I had to deal with a lot of days of not feeling like I couldn't smile or that the smile I had was fake. I started to put up a face and try to hide it so that I didnt ruin anyone else's time. As I went to the therapist more, she suggested that I try medicine. I went to the doctor, which I hated to do because of the illneses my family was constantly being told of there. She prescribed me medicine and it worked really well for about 2 weeks. One day while I was in FL, I had really bad depression and I thought to myself, it would be easier if I was dead. I immediately felt a guilt and sadness come from the point I was at. I felt so week from the fight that I feared I was giving up. I went and told my mom what was going on and she said she thought it was the medicine. I called the doctor and she said to get off the medicine and we would try something different. However, the others failed as well. They all ended badly. I felt so torn down because I was told it would be best to wait until I was older to try it but I didnt know what else to do. I knew I needed help and I didn't know what else to try to use to help numb the pain of it all. I felt defeated, but, I prayed to God to help me over and over again. I then found some things that helped me cope like changing scenery, or taking a break. I still deal with my anxiety, OCD, depression, and possibly PTSD due to my dad's cancer. I am still learning how to cope and go through ups and downs. I am trying to lean into God and focus my life on glorifying Him. I have learned to use my trials as weapons in battle. I use my mental illnesses to reach those that maybe can't connect with others. I use my life lessons and trials to write this blog, and I use my trials to grow closer and depend more on God. Even though I am working on learning to let go of the fears that make me stumble, I know God will love me through the trials, mess ups, and doubt. I used to think my prayer was a joke, a hope I gave to God, just to take back broke, but I know that God is working in my life. I wouldn't have survived this far without God. When nothing else worked, I knew God was there to give me hope. God is helping you in every battle and in every victory. We are soldiers of Christ and sometimes have to go through the rough patches to reach a place of rest. Use your battles to lead you to victory. God loves you. You may be tired and feel week, but God, will help us every step of the way. Ups and downs, God is over it all.

2 timothy 2:7
Consider what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything.

1 Chorinthians 16:13
Be on the alert, stand firm in the Faith, act like men, be strong.

Isaiah 41:10
Do not fear for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

2 Chorinthians 12:9
And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.


Please listen carefully to these songs:
Broken Prayers by Riley Clemmons
Austin French- Why God
Empty My Hands by Tenth Avenue North
I Am They- Scars

Comments

Teacher626 said…
Brave and bold baby. Hold on to that! Take a listen to this song too: https://youtu.be/lWxI6HRcEz0
Love you chica❣
January 28, 2020 at 7:32 PM
3 Minutes of Faith said…
Thank you so much!I will definatley listen to it!
February 10, 2020 at 7:54 PM
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